Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way…

1 Peter 3:7a

There’s a meme going around the Internet that has a man and a woman discussing the stereotype that men can’t understand women.  The man says to the woman, “Women are so hard to read.”  The woman replies, “Well, actually we just want–” before being interrupted by the man who says, “Such complex creatures.”  The woman replies, “If you would just listen–” but is again interrupted by the man who says, “So mysterious.”

I think of that meme whenever I read how God through Peter commands husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way.”  God has never wished anything that is impossible for us to do (1 John 5:3; 1 Cor. 10:13).  Therefore, husbands, we actually can understand our wives if we make the effort to do so.  As the meme says, listening to our wives is necessary towards this end (cf. Prov. 1:5; 2:2; 12:15; 15:31; 18:2, 13, 15; 19:20, 27; 25:12; James 1:19).  It’s also notable that Peter tells us to “live” with them.  It’s kind of hard to listen to what your wife communicates to you about what she thinks and feels – and thus come to grow in your understanding of her – when you’re not even home most of the time.  While it’s true that there is a time for work and a time for play (Eccl. 3:1ff), we must have time for our families also.  Indeed, since we have divinely given responsibilities towards our families (3:7; cf. Eph. 5:25-33; 6:1-4; Col. 3:19), logic demands that they must not get our leftovers; rather, they must be quite high on our priority list of how we use our time and focus each day.  Remember that our wives were with us before our children, and they will be there after our children have left the home.  Do not make the mistake of giving more love and attention to your children than you do your spouse (wives and mothers, this applies to you too).  Show your children by word and deed that their mother means more to you than any other human being, with them ranking right behind her, and you will be teaching them about how to have strong marriages and families themselves.

Part of this means that we must “show honor” to our wives (3:7b).  Yes, she might be the “weaker vessel” physically in most cases, but that doesn’t mean that she is inherently weaker than us mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.  God granted her “the grace of life” just as He did with you, meaning that she is a human being created in His image with a soul for which His Son died, just like you.  She is directed to honor you (3:1-6; cf. Eph. 5:23-24, 33b), and you are commanded to honor her as well.  Yes, she is subject to you in the home and must submit to you as she does to the Lord…but that doesn’t mean that you have the authority to treat her like a slave where your will reigns supreme and her own wishes do not matter.  How does that show her honor?  Instead, show her honor by being humble.  Seek her input in family decisions and give it honest consideration.  Honor her by putting her wishes above yours, especially when they prove to be closer to the mark than your own as will often be the case.  Doing so will make it easier for her to submit and show you respect when you as the head of the family make a decision with which she disagrees.  Honor her by putting her on a pedestal, setting her apart from everyone else in word and deed (cf. Eph. 5:25-26a).  Tell and show her that you love her more than anyone else daily, not only with romance and flirtation, but also with considerate servitude.  Help out around the house on your own initiative.  Offer to take the children out to give her a couple of hours of peace.  Leave her flirtatious post-it notes or slip a gift card to her favorite spa in her purse, “just because.”  Make it obvious that only the Lord is more important than her, and “your prayers may not be hindered.”

— Jon